drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
