I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
