He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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