My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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