I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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