I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
