dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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