my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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