I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
