In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
