I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
