I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
