It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I am available for nakedness
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
