Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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