Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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