doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
