The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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