i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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