you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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