I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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