you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
