Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
