FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I forget how to act sober
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
