We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
