Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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