There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
