I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
True strength comes from lack of pants
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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