either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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