Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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