Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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