Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
