We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
