so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
