Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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