im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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