i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
