Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You took a bar mat shot.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
