My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
