I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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