do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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