you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
