just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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