after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
