The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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