So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
