Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
