You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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