my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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