DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
