I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
