Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
