they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
