my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
