And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
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id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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