From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
BRING THE BAGELS
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I had to cum in my sink.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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