If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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