Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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