just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
