can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
