This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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