Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
